As an intern in any sort of film related industry, you become privy to a number of films which aren’t set to come out for a very long time. You also spend vast amounts of time on Apple Trailers. For research purposes, of course.
Thus, I had been hotly anticipating Zach Snyder’s Sucker Punch for more than a year, so much so that I dragged The Boy to see it as soon as it came out last Friday, even though it meant going to the Leicester Square Odeon, which vastly overcharges its patrons to sit in a room full of tourists, watching a screen which is slightly bigger than your average Vue.
I haven’t yet been forgiven for this. Sucker Punch, quite frankly, Sucked.
Luckily, I have unearthed a transcript from the movie, so you can spare yourselves the inordinate sums I paid, and read for yourselves whether the movie’s for you:
FADE IN: A slightly murky looking American landscape with vaguely 1930’s overtones.
Cue really loud and dramatic rock music over the title sequence, which features Synder’s key technique of giving random object such as a tear a major close up. This is supposed to be powerful.
Throughout the title sequence, the premise is set up: EMILY BROWNING’s mother dies, leaving all her money to EMILY and her LITTLE SIS. This enrages Browning’s EVIL STEPFATHER, who throws a lot of paper around his study to convey said rage.
Enraged evil stepfather attempts to kill/maim/rape little sis. Browning grabs a gun from somewhere to stop him, but inadvertently shoots little sis by mistake.
EVIL STEP FATHER (to Browning): And now, I will shove you into this mental hospital which has been ripped off of a Tim Burton movie for all eternity, in an attempt to justify Synder’s claim that the film is about the oppression of women, rather than just a chance to show a lot of leg
EVIL HEAD DOCTOR greets Step Father and demands money from him in exchange for Browning’s eternal incarceration.
EVIL HEAD DOCTOR: Ah-ha, I like to beat girls in a way which totally justifies Synder’s claim that that the film is about the oppression of women, rather than just a chance to show a lot of leg.
EMILY BROWNING (to camera): As you will see, I haven’t yet said anything. Nor do I say anything for quite a while yet. But look at my lips, aren’t they pouty?
Teenage boy in the audience has a furtive wank in the back row, which totally justifies Synder’s claim that…oh, never mind…
HEAD EVIL DOCTOR: And now, I will give you a lobotomy, so that you are as mindless as the rest of this movie.
Cue close-up of a sharp pointy object going into Browning’s eye, although because the movie is only rated 12A, we swiftly cut away before we see anything remotely violent and instead enter “Ancient Japanese Land.”
ANCIENT JAPANESE MAN: hello, you have to find these fairly mundane maguffins in order to create some semblance of a plot. They include a map, a lighter and anything else the Famous Five went searching for. Whilst you’re out there, see if you can also find the plot. It appears to have gone missing.
Emily Browning, now dressed like an X-Rated Anime character, does lots of moves which involve her spinning upside and showing us all her pants. In a non-gratuitous way.
Kung Fu Panda has a furtive wank in the corner.
Browning is suddenly transported to a completely inexplicable middle level, where she and all the other mental hospital inmates are dancers/prostitutes in a burlesque house overseen by EVIL HEAD DOCTOR. They do some sexy dancing, taught to them by FOREIGN MATERNAL DOCTOR, who wants to look after them. There she meets SWEETPEA, ROCKET, AMBER and BLONDIE.
Teenage Boy swiftly leafs through his back issues of NUTS, to see if they've done any topless press.
SWEETPEA: Hey there, Emily Browning, Zach’s given us all names suggestive of female genitalia, so for the rest of the movie you shall be christened Baby Doll. Oh, and you’re allowed to speak now.
EMILY BROWING/BABY DOLL: But I don’t want to speak, I want to do a sexy dance. And every time I do my sexy dance, we will be transported into a futuristic Nazi Germany, were we will fight people in very prolonged and yet dull action sequences, wearing skimpy outfits which are in no way gratuitous.
Baby Doll and her band of burlesque rebels go back and forth between Video Game Land and Burlesque Land, neither of which have anything to do with the original setting of the mental institution, apart from a very tenuous metaphor about “escaping.” Along the way, they all get hyper emotional which has absolutely zero effect on the audience, because they have been too blinded by the amount of leg on show to form any sort of emotional attachment to the characters.
AMBER (flicking through her script): Wait a minute: I was the lead in High School Musical and I dated Zac Efron - why do I only have two lines?
ZACH SNYDER: Shut up and show some more leg, slut. In a totally empowered way.
He whips them all. Charlie Sheen wanders on set and mistakes Emily Browning for one of his Goddesses. He wanks furtively in a corner.
Snyder realizes that he’s forgotten all about the mental hospital, so hastily returns the action there before he runs out of ideas. Emily Browning has been lobotomised, allowing her to act slightly more emotional than she has done for the rest of the film.
FOREIGN MATERNAL DOCTOR realizes that EVIL HEAD DOCTOR is evil, and tatles on him to the police, who come to arrest him. He gets upset because he can no longer rape the inmates.
Teenage boys, Kung Fu Panda and Charlie Sheen suddenly feel guilty.