Thursday, 17 February 2011

A Tory-d Affair

I say: let 'em.

Yes, it is slightly cringe-worthy that rich Tory parents are digging their hands in their pockets so that little Susanna and young Hugo can spend a week doing photocopying at Tatler, but really, what do we care?

If I have proved nothing else over the last year and a half, it's that doing an internship does not lead to a job.
Neither does doing ten internships.

Yes, it is unfair and elitist that these teenagers have the privilege of gaining access to these locations just because Daddy went to school with Dave and thinks he's a Jolly Nice Chap, but at the end of that week, it's extremely unlikely that they will get anything out of it.

Do you really think that Susanna and Hugo are going to be making power point presentations in board meetings or taking the floor in conference calls, leading their employers to see their potential and offer them a job on the spot? No. Like everyone else, they are going to spend a week making tea for people who won't know their name, and will then be booted out on Friday evening with the rest of the garbage. Ok, someone may argue that they are taking places away from those who really deserve these places, but actually all they're doing is saving those assumedly intelligent and hard-working people from the degradation of being treating like a hostess trolley, and hopefully instead they will make a crack at getting an actual job.

The hilarious thing is that these people are forking out up to £3,000 for their children to work for free: surely this proves that we should be spending more time thinking about the intern culture and what it means for our society, and less about how feckless people are spending their money.

Hate the game, not the players, people.

Always an Intern. Out.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011


I feel that I have been working in "Media" for a relatively long time now.

Apologies, that should have read "Working" in Media.

Being considerably familiar with the industry (and spending rather a lot of time listlessly staring at the television), I have discovered a rather lucrative niche in the market: The TV Mash-Up.

The way I see it, TV is already scraping the bottom of the barrel (see My Monkey Baby), so why not cash in on these money-spinners by combining some, thereby ensuring that the Powers-Can-Be can spend less time having to think up new shows, and more time wondering what they’re going to have for lunch. So that the intern can go out and buy it for them.

If there are any TV producers out there reading this, here are a few ideas to get the ball rolling:

Strictly Come Dine With Me On Ice

A stunt-filled spectacle in which contestants much each prepare a 3-course meal whilst performing a choreographed ice-skating routine. Arlene Philips, Pamela Anderson and those fat greek men off of Britain’s Got Talent will judge.

The winner gets some money. And potentially an injury.


A thrilling two-part special in which the Glee Club win a trip to England, where they must stage a full-scale performance in the Queen Vic. Rachel and Dot rehearse a stunning rendition of Wicked’s “Defying Gravity,” but when Dot breaks her hip right before opening night, her faithful husband Jim must step in as “Glinda, The Good Witch.” Kurt gets off with the gay Indian one, and they perform a duet of “Ebony and Ivory” to voice their feelings. The special ends with an ensemble rendition of “Perfect Day,” during which Quinn gets a Croydon face-lift and is offered a position as a market trader.

Super Sweet Sixteen and Pregnant
Bitter-sweet documentary series hosted by Bristol Palin, in which Super Rich and Super Pregnant teens set out to plan some extraordinary birthday bashes. Will the teens make it to their big day in time? Or will they end up Super Sweet Sixteen…and in labour…

Mock The Weakest Link

A Robinson-Bashing extravaganza in which the Mock The Week gang hurl abuse and open cartons of milk at the ginger host, interspersed with their discussions on the week’s most topical events.

Come on producers - these ideas don't just think themselves up - you want me on board, right?


Tuesday, 1 February 2011

I'm Back, Baby.

It's been a long hiatus. One fraught with worry over whether I would be blacklisted from the film industry for telling some unhappy truths.


You missed me, right?

This silent period has been one of great reflection; one in which I have truly sat down and considered what my internships have taught me and what possible career choices I could have after a year's hard slog. Here is a short list:

Tea's Maid

Like the iconic 60's Teasmade, only more human. My job would be to wait beside the slumbering owner until a designated time in the morning, at which point I would shout "TEA'S MADE" repeatedly in their ear repeatedly until they wake up, whilst simultaneously making them a handy cup of tea. The perfect solution for any early riser.

Vacuum Cleaner

As with the "Roll Easy," I too could be the vacuum cleaner you never have to lift. My professional experience at hoovering the office of key executives would make me the perfect addition to any corporate space. Simply install me into the appropriate area and I will personally ensure that your office is kept spick and span. On my hands and knees, if necessary.

Human File Binder

Men, are you tired of having to physically attach metal binders to scripts? Fear not, with the Human File Binder your worries are over. Simply hand the file you wish to bind over to the Binder, and she will personally ensure that the job is done: no mess, no fuss, no waste. Comes in two easy sizes: Starved (travel fees only) and Impoverished (travel plus lunch)


Always misplacing your pens? Losing your papers? Is your chair never at a comfortable height for your deask?
With the Intern-a-desk, your problems are over. For a nominal fee and the occasional glass of water, this friendly intern will crouch at the perfect height to solve all your desk needs. With a handy mouth for storing pens and TWO WHOLE HANDS for holding everything from papers to plates to cups of tea (see Tea's Maid for added extras), the Intern-A-Desk is the latest in office technology.

Know anyone requiring any of these pictures? Send them my direction - I'm back, baby.

Will work for money.

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