Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Sing When You're Winning

Places Where it is Acceptable to Sing Out Loud

1. Church
Or anywhere you happen to be holding a hymn book (see weddings, bar mitzvahs and school assemblies). If the spirit moves you...

2. In Your Car
Doubly so because it allows you the freedom to mumble the words you don't know without people (and, ahem, boyfriends) raising their eyebrows at you if you suddenly can't remember a line. Plus, if you're stuck in a traffic jam and some sees you emoting to Kelly Clarkson, you can just pretend to be having a particularly heated discussion on a hands-free.

3. The Shower
Think of it as your own private Wembley Arena. One in which the sound of running water drowns out the actual noise emitted.

4. A Concert
Especially if whilst singing you are brandishing an oversized poster made at home using 6 sheets of A4 and a packet of glitter glue. Especially if said poster bears the words, "Ronin, Father My Son," as I  still remember from Boyzone concert nearly 10 years ago. If the person who made that is reading this blog: genius.

Places Where it is Not Acceptable to Sing Out Loud

1. The Theatre
Ok, good for you, person third row down from me at Dirty Dancing (guilty pleasure, don't judge). I'm really pleased that this was your favourite movie when you were a kid, and that you, like, totally had a thing for Patrick Swayzee (RIP). That does not give you permission to catarwhaul along. That's what the actors are for.

2. On the Pavement, Swinging the Arm of a Friend Whilst Skipping Simultaneously
Come on girls, you know you're guilty of this. It's not cute. You're in my way.

3. On The Tube
I already have the distinct displeasure of having to stand with my head wedged into your armpit for the next 20 minutes, let's not make things worse.

4. In The Office
There is someone in my office who has taken it upon themselves to sing at various intervals of the day. There is no radio in the office, so perhaps this person thinks that they are doing some sort of charitable deed: perhaps they thinks that we are all musically undernourished, and that they and they alone are responsible for our lyrical salvation.

We're not talking about under-breath, lost-in-thought singing - we're talking full-on renditions of Mama Mia, Queen, and even, on one ghastly occasion, Les Miserables.


Singing whilst they're walking to the photocopier. Singing as they types at their desk. Singing when they add milk to their coffee. I have been spared the opportunity to be in the loo with them, but I am convinced that there, too, the slow trickle of their urine will be accompanied by some form of Beatles medley.

Nowhere is safe.

I don't know what this person expects us to do about their singing. Should we applaud them? Cry for an encore? Join in?

As a lowly intern, I am not in a position to react as I would ideally like: namely to shout, loudly and clearly, "WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP?" before re-acquanting them with the occasions it is and isn't acceptable to sing out loud.

So instead I have stilled my irritation by sharing it with you.


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